Fear is the mind killer, Fear is the little death....
For the last year, I've claimed imposter syndrome, that feeling that you just don't belong and that you aren't skilled enough to be where you are, when it comes to writing code. I am surrounded in my virtual community (the Pybites community on slack) by extremely talented and high achieving programmers.
I had a realisation the other day, its not imposter syndrome holding me back (though, to be fair, that's still around), but more so my fear of failure, or at least the perception of having failed. I don't want my peers to see me fail. I don't want my peers to see less than perfection... maybe not perfection, because that's not really my thing, but definitely don't want them to think I cant achieve what I say I will, or attempt to do.
This shocked me, as it wasn't something I had consciously considered.
Where did this come from? Well that was obvious. Growing up, I would never show failure because failure was always met with ridicule and derision. It didn't matter what I was trying to achieve, from schooling to sport to just plain hobbies. To this day I still hear from my parents and brother about how bad I was at tackling when I played NRL in the under 14s (I'm now 42). There was never mention of my ability to run, or pass, or kick. Things which I was particularly good at. There was never any mention of the fact I could play any position on the field (and did so in my final year, in which we won the grand final). It always came back to me being a terrible tackler. In a work context, it was simply not acceptable to fail. You succeeded or you were fired.
So how do I get past this?
Well, the good news is that I'm still working on it. I'm now in a work place where experimenting (and failure) are not only acceptable, but encouraged. I'm in a community that values learning and experimentation and sees the value I represent, even if I'm not a great coder.
I am now encouraged to learn and try like never before. To experiment, fail and learn. Ask questions, attempt answers and just join in.
I push everyone out that that is afraid of failure, like me, to try something. Anything. You can always come to me, I will celebrate your attempt with you, and wont deride you if you failed.
Don't let fear hold you back.
Fear is the mind killer, Fear is the little death....
I had a realisation the other day, its not imposter syndrome holding me back (though, to be fair, that's still around), but more so my fear of failure, or at least the perception of having failed. I don't want my peers to see me fail. I don't want my peers to see less than perfection... maybe not perfection, because that's not really my thing, but definitely don't want them to think I cant achieve what I say I will, or attempt to do.
This shocked me, as it wasn't something I had consciously considered.
Where did this come from? Well that was obvious. Growing up, I would never show failure because failure was always met with ridicule and derision. It didn't matter what I was trying to achieve, from schooling to sport to just plain hobbies. To this day I still hear from my parents and brother about how bad I was at tackling when I played NRL in the under 14s (I'm now 42). There was never mention of my ability to run, or pass, or kick. Things which I was particularly good at. There was never any mention of the fact I could play any position on the field (and did so in my final year, in which we won the grand final). It always came back to me being a terrible tackler. In a work context, it was simply not acceptable to fail. You succeeded or you were fired.
So how do I get past this?
Well, the good news is that I'm still working on it. I'm now in a work place where experimenting (and failure) are not only acceptable, but encouraged. I'm in a community that values learning and experimentation and sees the value I represent, even if I'm not a great coder.
I am now encouraged to learn and try like never before. To experiment, fail and learn. Ask questions, attempt answers and just join in.
I push everyone out that that is afraid of failure, like me, to try something. Anything. You can always come to me, I will celebrate your attempt with you, and wont deride you if you failed.
Don't let fear hold you back.
Fear is the mind killer, Fear is the little death....
Love it Marc. Realising something like this is pivotal. Just remember, there's no such thing as failure - only opportunities to learn and grow. We've all got you mate!
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